Locked In

Posted Feb. 10, 2022. Article written by Carter Van Roon, Kodiaks MXC. 

Content Warning: This article contains raw discussion of mental health, suicide and suicidal thoughts.

Dear Kodiaks and beyond,

I have a pre-race ritual as I stand on the start line of bringing my index and middle fingers on both hands to the temples of my head just before the gun goes off. I “lock-in” by tapping my fingers against my temples twice. It is my commitment to myself that I will be locked in for the race, committing to give absolutely everything I have to this challenge.

Where this little ritual brings me comfort, I used to find myself becoming locked down and trapped by my mind. That’s what I would like to share with you today.

I’ve struggled with exactly what to say and how to say it, but I promise that these are the words of my heart. Many of you may not know me so I should introduce myself first. My name is Carter Van Roon and I have struggled with my mental health.

I have tried to hide how I am feeling my entire life. I’ve held it from my family, some of my closest friends, and too many others. Because when days are good, I want to pretend these mental health conditions don’t exist and I’m all good. Often, I am all good and I don’t feel depressed or anxious or suicidal, but I have been before, and I am guaranteeing I will again.

I humbly ask you if I may share a little bit of my story today. I don’t share because everything is all good now, or because I have it all figured out, or because I have some crazy story, because I don’t. Instead, I share because I truly believe that every single person is going through something. Everyone has a story and I have experienced healing from those who have shared it with me. If I may help one person know that they are not alone or give them hope or give them the courage to share their story, I would be overwhelmingly grateful.

I think my story begins with a vivid memory of the first time I ever thought about suicide and had a suicidal thought. It happened when I was very young, maybe 7 or 8, while my family was driving to Whitefish to go skiing. My parents were arguing and I had this thought that I wished I could jump out of the window onto the snow-covered highway. I knew I would never do it, but I wanted to escape the anxiety and pain I felt. There have been more occasions similar to this where my mind has placed the idea of suicide into my conscious. This has been a difficult thing to cope with each time since I would never want to commit the act of suicide. It has felt as if my mind has attempted to lie to me. I have felt so ashamed of this, asking why I would feel this way, when I am just a normal person.

My growing up has been what I would consider average. There have been people who have had to suffer so much more than me and I feel guilt for experiencing this thought. It has felt sometimes as if the thought has appeared for no reason at all. Which I hate because I love life. I love my family, I love my grandparents, I love my dog, Molly. I love my friends, I love my teammates, I love helping people, I love the sunrise and the sunset, I love fitness and weightlifting, I love the outdoors and the mountains. I love running and competing, I love mountain biking, skiing, rock climbing, hockey, soccer, tennis, cooking, reading, music, watching sports with my dad, playing pickup ball, joking around and laughing. I love to laugh, and I find so much joy in life.

I love life.

I love it.

So, when my mind lies to me or pushes me into the darkness, I must trust and remember that life is such a gift. Life can have horrible hardship, but I believe life can be truly beautiful amidst the darkness.

I felt this darkness after several concussions that I experienced in quick succession. I absolutely love skiing, as I mentioned, and attempting new tricks has led to a couple of crashes where my head was hit harshly. I believe it was in the winter of 2019, I suffered a concussion and then too quickly was back out skiing and reattempting that same trick. I hit my head again.

I got home to realize I couldn’t focus on my schoolwork, my mood changed, and I became frustrated much more easily. When I became accustomed to this new reality, another concussion left me literally seeing stars as I got up, feeling foggy and off. To make matters worse I was scared to tell my family about this concussion because of my prior history, so I kept it to myself. This left me feeling so alone and scared. The night after this concussion, I remember not being able to sleep as a headache pounded against my skull. I remember pleading to God to bring me rest. After suffering multiple concussions, I felt anxiety as I worried if I would be the same again. I wondered if I would ever be able to participate in sport without headaches and symptoms. Feeling extremely distressed, I anxiously wandered through the basement attempting to find relief trying to sleep on the bare ground.

I don’t know if I have ever been more scared than at that moment, not knowing what the future held.

I tried to study the next morning, but instead, a pounding headache prevented any of my work from being done. Attempting to avoid my parent’s worry, I snuck downstairs to lie on my bed to try and relieve the pain. I feel very grateful that the pain subsided and I have been able to engage in physical activity with no pain. However, since those three concussions, and this hasn’t been clinically diagnosed so I have no idea, but I feel that I have experienced seasonal depression. November and the winter months became increasingly difficult. I felt down about myself often and struggled with who I was and what I loved. I disengaged from friends and chose to be alone more often.

But it is here where I want to share hope. I had a friend graciously and vulnerably share with me his struggles post-concussion and his story. His vulnerability shone the light into my darkness and I experienced a glimpse of freedom and a weight off my shoulders. It was because of him that I experienced inspiration to open up and share a little about my concussion journey and mental health struggles with close friends. I wasn't locked by my mind anymore and didn’t try to get through it by myself. I realized that I wasn’t alone. This experience didn’t heal me by any means, but it allowed me to be able to grow in community and see hope. I believe mental struggle thrives in darkness. Vulnerability covers this darkness in light by bringing hope through connection. The only way we get through is with each other.

That was probably a year ago. Since then, I have been doing better, with the last half-year being the best yet. In that time frame, I began at Lethbridge College and am now a part of the cross-country team. The cross-country team has helped me beyond belief, by making me a part of a community. Training and playing sports have always been where I feel at peace and filled with joy. Being able to train and exercise with people you care about and can laugh and joke with is surreal. I believe community and fitness have brought me drastic healing, along with joy and friendship. I am inspired to assist the help of fitness and community with professional help. I think athletes can mask struggle through sport because it is what we know and love, and it can provide a distraction from what’s going on behind the scenes.

I wonder if sport was taken away via injury or say, like it was by the pandemic. How would I cope? I have never gotten help before, but as this comes out it is my intention to seek a counselor to talk about some of these things. Just to chat and get better. Just to have someone who knows how I have felt and can help me if I start to feel not good. I don’t think it’s a big deal to want to experience help for your mind. I guess I put it this way. As an athlete, I would never stop training if I had a great race and was doing well in my training cycle and expect to do well after I stopped training. I would train harder, work harder, and try to figure out how I could become faster and race better. I think it is the same with mental health, just because I am doing well doesn’t mean I can pretend it never happened. It means I must focus on how to cope and deal with mental health in the present and future.

There is no shame in asking for help. You are never alone. 

If you read this, all I can say is thank you. Thank you so much. I pray to God; this will bring you hope or inspiration or courage or strength. I don’t take this opportunity for granted and I hope to see the Kodiaks Tribune grow, maybe even across the ACAC. To see our fellow athletes helping one another and the community, whoever might read this, by sharing our stories.

We are ALL Kodiaks!

Sincerely,

CVR